Thursday, December 17, 2015

And Thanksgiving Came

Obviously it's way past the point where we've found out the results of our November transfer. The transfer itself went perfectly. We got a picture of the embryo baby that got placed inside of me. Kind of cute, yeah? In a fascinating medical sort of way, anyway!

They take a picture before they do an assisted hatching so that it looks nice and spherical. After this, they shave one side of the shell off to make it easier to implant. But that wouldn't be as pretty of a picture!

I started testing via cheap internet HPTs 5 days after the transfer, and never got a positive. My beta test was "5" nine days after transfer, and the repeat test 2 days later had dropped into the negative range.

So... I'm not pregnant this time.

But, I'm also not terribly hurt. I feel so grateful that God has worked the timing this way, because we knew going into this that out of 5 embryos we would almost certainly not have 5 living children. The genetics of fertilization just aren't that perfect. Some of these babies just need a mommy to release them to Heaven, and only by chance did the embryologist choose a baby destined to make it to birth the first time we did a transfer.

If this baby had been chosen first, I would have been devastated. I probably would have had surgery before trying any others to see how bad my endometriosis is. I would have felt terribly guilty, wondering if we made a mistake and killed a child because my body just wasn't healthy enough. We may have begged the doctors to put me on more meds or change their protocol, and just generally stressed something that would have been totally unrelated to my ability to bear a child.

But that's not what happened. God allowed Hannah to be the first one. It was easy compared to what many of my infertility sisters go through. Then I had Ellie- once again, easily. I know my body works. I know the transfer protocol works fine. I know this isn't my fault. And so I was able to enter the Thanksgiving season grateful for the honor I had of serving this life for the few short days it was destined to grow.

I am happy we were able to use my body and my resources for this child that had nothing whatsoever to give back to us. I feel complete. I served as best I could, and it was good.

Now, we are getting ready for another one. January 6th is the schedule this time. I hope this one is one of those destined to make it. But God knows. Perhaps Hannah will be the only one of the group to be held by us. If that's the case, we'll know within a few months time. And if that happens, I will cry.  Either way, we will give these babies every chance we can and care for them every second of the lives they live.